Technically

I have started to hear the 'will you be rehosting' question a lot lately.

We have hosted "K" three times while we have waited for her adoption status to clear. We are obviously not going to travel to get her before Christmas (we presume), so it technically would be possible to rehost her this winter and then travel for our adoption in late winter.

Technically.

However, we are throwing all of our heart and soul into fundraising for this adoption. The adoption itself will end up being between $20,000-$26,000. We have spent $7,500 on the previous hosting trips. We cannot see using money that we need RIGHT NOW (for her adoption) to rehost.

I have struggled with this. A lot. I have tried to decide if it's lack of faith, or simply using our limited (and usually donated) resources wisely. What is best for her? What will it do to her spirit to not be rehosted?

Here is what I know:

When we were told in the spring that our adoption was being ground to a halt, we KNEW we were rehosting her. With the same KNOWING that we had in April, we are at peace with not rehosting this winter. Do we like it? Nope. But that is the way it is.

Her best friend, "M", is being adopted along with M's 4 younger siblings and they will be living about an hour away from us. (Take a moment....let that sink in. A family is adopting 5 children, ranging in ages from 15 to 4. No one does that. Sibling groups that large are seldom adopted, especially when there is a teen involved. The faith that it takes to do that blows. my. mind. And they will be close! Not just in the south, or the same state, but DRIVING distance. I believe that this is yet another gift to our "K"....that the friend she has lived with {since she was five} will be close. I get teary thinking about it.)

But back to my point...."M" will not be rehosted for Christmas either, because of the same reasons we cannot host "K". Obviously, I wish both girls would be home with their forever families. But I am grateful they will be together, and one will not be dealing with the loss of the other, plus missing Christmas with their new families.

I did email "K"s social worker (who is a dear lady and angel) explaining our situation. I asked her to please explain to "K" what was going on so she will not feel left or forgotten.

Please pray that "K" will understand, and that we will all be patient  while we wait. I cannot imagine being in her shoes and waiting.

And waiting.

Because waiting pretty much sucks stinks. A lot.

Songs

Sometimes, when I am going through something, I find a theme song. 

Usually, theme songs make me cry. 

Which isn't good when I'm driving. 

I have two theme songs for our adoption and I thought I'd share them with you. The first one is "Home" by Phillip Phillips. Things I learned while looking for this video: He's from Ga. He was on American Idol. This songs was used for a lot of Olympic commercials. I live under a rock, so all that was news to me :)

The second is "Beautiful" by MercyMe...Tissue alert.

Today is our 10th anniversary. It's hard to wrap my mind around that while we were saying our vows, there was a 2 year old in a country we had never heard of that would one day be ours. Amazing. 

Did you know?

Did you know my hubby learned how to make bracelets out of paracord? Did you know he was trying to sell them to help raise money for K's adoption? They are pretty awesome, and come in tons of colors and patterns. 

Just click HERE to check out. 

Then feel free to pass it along. These are easy to mail if you are not local. 

So here are two ideas. You can order 1, or 2 or 20 thru his blog. The bracelets range from $7 to $12. 

~Or~

You can make a flat donation to the Paypal link at the top of my blog, and leave a note on the Paypal saying you would like a bracelet, and we will send you the one of your choice. 

Adoptions are expensive, and we are doing all we can to make it happen. But we will need your help. This is a great way to help us, help K and get something cool for yourself in the process. :)

Oh Me of Little Faith....

Hosting has come to an end. We took K to the airport at 4:30 a.m. Sunday. We returned to a house that seemed not exactly right without her in it. Almost every night since she left, I go into the room she shares with my 6 year old and look at her bunk expecting her to be there. A few times, I have tried to make her a dinner plate.

She did email us that she was home, cold and very tired. Her school doesn't start for about 2 more weeks.

Then, this morning, I got a surprising email from a social worker associated with her orphanage.

Today, her father's parental rights were officially terminated. 

If you are friends with us, or have followed our story, you know that we thought this had already been done. Our initial information was that this had happened last fall, with some sort of waiting period that was up this past April. We thought she was free and clear for us to adopt, which is why we were completing our home study. Then of course, our adoption agency 'froze' our study for 3 mos forcing us to re host.

Am I still upset at our agency? Yes. Do I believe they are wrong? Yes.

However.....

If they hadn't frozen our home study, we would not have found out about the incorrect termination dates in time to re host. She would have been 'stuck' there all summer. By the time we knew what was going on, hosting deadlines would have been long gone. Because they 'screwed us over', we were able to spend 4 weeks with our girl, and that wouldn't have happened otherwise. 

Most of the time, when things like this happen, we never see the 'why'. We have wondered 'why' all summer. I have struggled with being angry at our agency, and even God, for the last 4 mos.

With today's email, I wanted to fall on my face. I am grateful He used all this to get her here this summer, and grateful that we saw the answer to why.

It is another chapter in the book of K's life and how God is at work on her behalf. I am constantly astounded  at how much He moves and does for her. Obviously, He has huge plans for her. Why I have so little faith is astounding....and not in the good sense of the word.

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

H

The first 2 weeks of hosting

It's been awhile since I posted. After the bomb got dropped on our home study, people from far and near donated to our surprise re-hosting costs. $2500 came in over the course of only 10 days. It was amazing to see people we didn't even know donate on K's behalf, as well as friends that have given so much already.

She arrived for re hosting on July 8th, and things have been going really well. Jet lag hit her a lot harder this time than ever before, and it took her almost a week and a half to adjust. Usually it's only about 4 days or so for her, so I of course tried to read into her quietness and wanted to panic thinking she didn't want to be adopted by us anymore. I did ask her if she had changed her mind, and she looked at me like I was crazy and assured me that was NOT the case.

{{I have wanted to adopt for so long, and K is so great, I think my brain can't absorb what is in front of me. Part of me want to have a party, and part of me will believe it when court is over.}}

She seems more mature this visit, a bit calmer, not as clingy. Her English continues to grow by leaps and bounds. She seems to have more confidence this visit- more sure of herself. Sometimes when I see her in clothes that I specifically bought for her (as opposed to donated clothes, cute as those are!), I tear up. Just a tad.

{{But that's OK, right?}}

She is here until mid August. I don't think about sending her back. I just pray that we get this home study completed and get a court date in October sometime.

We want our daughter home.

Where she belongs.

Un.Believable.

The last 24 hours have been full of emotion at our house. All we needed were 2 pieces of paper, and we would have had everything completed as far as the home study goes. At which point, our case worker would type it all up and then we would go on to the next steps.

I got an email yesterday afternoon from our caseworker stating they were freezing our home study for a year. 

She listed off some things that they "like to see in place" before recommending our family to adopt. We met all the requirements (that we knew of), so this was a surprise that it took this turn. Well, not really even a turn, but a screeching halt.

I called her right away and told her that this was a shock and not okay when the life of a 12 year old hung in the balance. She backed up a bit and said that if we could X, Y, Z before a year, she would be happy to help us move on.

I got very high pitched and told her we had decided not to re host "K" this summer because we thought we would be bringing her home, and I thought the hosting deadlines had come and gone and now she was throwing this bombshell on us.

I called Gabe. He was fortunately on his way home. He was calmer than I was. Once he got home we talked over our options.

Honestly, we still have no idea what to do. We don't know if going with another agency is the thing to do, or somehow jumping through all these new hoops in what is hopefully less than a year is the right choice. We are praying for direction, but so far we have none. And it will take several thousand dollars to get these new hoops taken care of.

I was in a car accident once where the airbags went off. If you have ever been hit in the face with an airbag, you know that it is a painful and stunning event. When I got hit with the airbags, I just sat in the drivers seat staring at them as they deflated. I couldn't really see because the powder in the airbags had covered my glasses. I couldn't breathe because the wind had been knocked out of me. And I couldn't think straight because I was literally smacked senseless. I would have one clear thought ("Oh, wow. That's my lipstick on the airbag. Is my mouth really that wide?") Followed by several muddled thoughts ("How do I open the door? Nope, that's the window. Nope, that's the other window..." "Yes, that's my phone, no, I don't remember how to use it.").

That's very similar to what the last 24 hours have been. Thoughts swimming around my brain, prayers spewing out, but not really making any sense, and then they will and then I have an idea and then I see how it won't work.....I'm upset, I'm numb. I'm full of faith, I'm panicked. I cry for myself, my girls, and K....I recover and teach Jadyn math. It's exhausting.

We do know this. We will NOT give up. We will NOT back down. K is our daughter, and we WILL follow this adoption through. This is not a closed door, just a set back.

In the meantime? We re host. The deadline is next week, and P134 is checking in K's country to make sure it's okay on their end that she revisit us. She would arrive on July 8th.

The difficult thing is that we need $2500 for hosting. Immediately. We have a VERY tiny portion that we were using to finish paying for our home study, but can now use for hosting. We will have the yard sale (again) this weekend.

Meanwhile we pray and wait on God.

Please pray with us. 

Home Study Update:

We are almost done with our home study. This is a 3 part process that involves meeting with our case worker 3 times and completing piles of paper work. Back ground checks, finger prints, doctors visits, blood work, drug tests, family information, reference letters, septic tank checks, and pet vaccinations are among the things that are required as part of our home study. Last week, our case worker came out to our home to walk around and make sure everything was clean, safe and ready. I am very hopeful that by the time Gabe's blood work gets back from the lab sometime next week, we'll have the last of the needed documents ready to turn in.

Meanwhile, we are trying to fund raise. We had a Chickfila Spirit night that netted us $68. Not great, but since every penny helps, I am thankful. (Plus I got to hang out with friends the whole evening, :) ) We have had 2 yard sales, and since we have had more items donated, we will do it at least once more. I also had a booth at our church's Spring Market to sell my memo boards. Sold a few, had a sweet family make a donation, but still made less than $60.

This adoption is going to cost roughly $20,000. We are doing what we can, and fundraising what we can. Our most immediate financial need is roughly $200 to put with what we have saved/raised to send in once the home study is complete.

Please consider what you can do. No amount is too small or insignificant.


 Little is much when God is in it.

Brief Updates~

Quick Update Time:::

We (finally) got the rest of the cash needed to get the ball moving on the home study. Well, the 'official' home study. We do know some things that we needed to do, like get the cats vaccinated and get the kids up to date on their shots as well, documents to make sure we have, etc....so we have been getting that done. There has also been some, OK, a lot, of paper work, to print off and sign as well. Nothing that qualifies as earth shattering.

K had her 12th birthday last week. You can read about that HERE in case you missed it. All day long, I kept thinking, "Hang on, Baby. We're coming." Then I would stare in the mirror and think "You have a twelve year old. Does that make you feel weird?" And then I'd smile and think No way! Sounds perfect!

Adoptions from "L" take 3 trips. The middle trip is one I will have to go alone. It's very short and fairly far off, but I was occasionally worrying about it. Yesterday at our small group, a friend came up and said she felt like she was supposed to tell me that she would go with me if I wanted. Spend her own dime and go with me. Um, YES! Now instead of being nervous, I am excited! I love that God was a few steps ahead of me.

We also have a few fundraising projects in the works. The first one is a Yard Sale this weekend. If you are in the area and have anything to donate, please let me know and I will get with you about picking it up. If you are not in the area, please pray for us this weekend...heavy shopping traffic and good weather will be needed/appreciated!

We are also working on a Chick Fil A spirit night, and our church is having a Spring Market that we will have a booth at. As those fall together, I will post details.

We have a lot going on to keep us busy and lists so that we can see the progress being made. We are praying that K will be patient and not grow hopeless with all the waiting. Really, that's all she has is our word that we are coming and then she waits. And Waits. I know it's very tough on her.

Hang on, K. We ARE coming.

Birthday Thoughts

Today, 12 years ago, a little bald baby was born in a country I never even heard of until about 4 years ago.



We were meant for each other, although we did not know it yet.



She has been through so much for a single soul to endure

 

God has definately had His hand on her.



We wish we could be with her today, but our thoughts and prayers and certainly with her.


We love you, K! Happy birthday!



I'd really like to be numb from the hairline down, please and thank you

I was going to wait til I was in control of my emotions before I wrote this out. I don't feel like waiting~ maybe if I blog this stupid day, my chest will lighten up and the pain will subside.

I haven't blogged at all about K's visit. I feel like I posted so many pics on Facebook....I felt like that was my blogging.

But today the 4 weeks came to an end. We won't see her again for probably 6 more mos. The last week she has followed me around (more than usual) and been extra huggy. A lot of kids start to pull back emotionally when the time gets closer for them to go 'home'. K did not. She seemed to take today out on her food. She has a very good appetite, and isn't a very picky eater. Today she only ate 2 muffins. She didn't even beg me for marshmallows. About noon, she started getting more reserved. She stayed that way until it was time to go (around 4:30). We had to pull my oldest daughter off of her. The middle one teared up and hid behind her wild hair. My youngest just acted goofy and like it wasn't a big deal. I was trying to MAKE it a big deal, so she would hug K and really mean it and pay attention, but I couldn't say too much because the other two were already so upset.

K told all the girls goodbye. Then she had to hunt down each cat. Thank goodness she found all three, or we'd still be here watching her look in every nook and cranny.

No one talked on the way to the airport. She didn't want to stop and get anything to eat. I was close to vomiting, and cried a little (on and off) the whole way there.

K held my hand going into the airport. She doesn't know it's not 'cool' for a preteen to do such a thing. I'm glad she doesn't know- I love it.

Even though she enjoys seeing her friends at the airport, she doesn't wander too far off without coming over to lean on me and say she loves me. She jokes with Gabe. She is silly with her friends. She is shocked her best friend is crying about leaving. I think that unnerved her.

I make them promise to behave and look after each other.

I beg God to let me be her momma and never have to drop her off at this airport again.

We stand around for awhile, and then it's time to go.

Her time here is up. Another round of hugs and kisses and "I love yous". They have to last her til summer. They have to make up for the last 11 years.

I don't know how parents send kids to the Army. Or college. Or the mission field. I want her to stay. I want to pick her towels up and tell her to turn her mp3 player down. I want to say no more candy and thanks for folding the laundry. I want her where I can see the smudges on her glasses and hear her crunching onions. I want her where I can see she is in bed at night and hear her talking out loud in her sleep. I want the girls to have their sister. I want to be pestered for just one more game of UNO.

I want this ache in my chest and head to stop.